Falling in the Ocean
by FearIsButFearItself
Summary: "All I hear are words without meaning." Kaoru is slowly losing his mind.
1. The Begining Of My Metaphorical Death

Hi, Blank here, and with me I bring a brand new story! Oh, and, this one is mine! Even though I just said that, I want it to be clear... Alright, now;

"Hello" -Talking

'Hello' -Karou's thoughts

_Hello _-Mister Director

**Hello **-Anything bolded has a very important role in the story, so pay attention to them! You'll find out _why _they are so important in later chapters, though.

Disclaimer: I make no profit from this, and do not in any way, shape or form claim to own this anime series. But, I do own the plot of this story! And, I also own Mister Director!

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><p><em>Keep on <em>_**smiling**__, no one cares if it's __**real **__or not. They only want to see it, so that they can convince themselves that you're fine!_

**Smile**. **Laugh**. Joke. Talk. Grin. It's nothing but a well scripted **play**. Always **acting**. Always.

No one ever **notices**, and, I guess that's what **hurts** the most.

But I never pay attention to my **feelings**, I just focus on keeping up the **act**, on working harder so I can **play** the part just right, so then the curtains never close, and the audience never **leaves**.

**(I don't want to be alone again…)**

**Play pretend** with me, why don't you?

I **promise**, it'll be fun!

You can join me in the **act**, until we're under the ground, in our coffins, and the curtains have closed!

Have you heard the bells, as they toll?

Oh, what a **beautiful** sound!

It strikes something in my chest, causing my eyes to burn and beg to leak, and makes me want to give up the **act** so people can **notice** that I'm not alright, and that something's **wrong**!

But, alas, I can't! For, without me, the **show** can't go on!

Tell me, dear, do you **see** the clouds?

They storm, and swirl, making me **smile**, genuinely, even!

They make me want to dance, and to let the **act** become a reality!

To make all this **fake** **happiness** and joy **real**!

But, does that mean I like it or I don't?

I can never tell!

_I know that it __**hurts**__, and that you don't like keeping up the __**act**__, but you're the only one that can do it! You don't want to __**worry**__ them, do you?_

I know that you all are getting suspicious, and I don't mind.

As long as I can keep the **show** on, I'll be **happy** with anything you do!

My **brother**, my **mirror image**, my _**twin**_, one of the many characters in the **show**!

Tell me; is my **acting** _really_ that good, so that not even you can **notice **that there is something **wrong** with me?

I used to **(FOOLISHLY)** believe that you would be able to pick up on my **lies**, but you never do, and that **confuses** me.

You always catch me when I'm **lying**!

…don't you?

_But, just__** remember**__; you're doing this for them! Not yourself! If it wasn't for this__** act**__, you wouldn't be able to __**lie**__ at all, and now __**look**__! You do it without even __**thinking**__! Dear child, do you even know when you're __**lying**__, and when you're not?_

Come now, ink on paper, drip like the **wonderful** black water you are!

I watch as you pour; **down**,** down**, **down**!

And I **love** it!

…don't I?

Isn't the pang in my chest and the clear salty liquid coming out of my eyes good?

Why is it, that when I watch you pour and drip and look so **sad** and **pitiful**, that I'm **reminded **of myself?

Why?

Last time I checked, which was only hours before, this wasn't a **normal **thing.

But, when has anything about me been **normal**?

Well?

Aren't you going to answer me, **little mocking bird**?

Or are you just going to **stare** at me, **laughing** at my stupidity to **understand** a simple concept that I don't even know the beginning of?

Just like you always do?

_When things go __**wrong**__, should you run and __**cry**__ in a corner, or should you go fix your mistakes? Without me, that's just what you would be doing; sitting in a corner,__** crying**__. Are you proud of yourself? For being so __**weak**__ and __**pitiful**__? Just like that ink?_

"Karou…?"

Spoken so quiet, I could barely hear it.

How long was I sitting here, **lost** in my musings?

"Karou?"

Why is he saying my name again?

Oh, that's right. I never responded to him yet.

**Time** to end the **intermission**, and go back to the **play**.

_Why don't you just give up? You're not good at this, at all! At this rate, they'll find you out in no __**time**__, and you'll just be a __**burden**__! Is that what you want to be? A __**burden**__?_

"Yes Hikaru?"

Was it me that said that?

I don't know.

I don't **remember** moving my lips to talk, and I don't **remember** even using my **voice**.

Now that I **think** about it, I don't even **remember** what my **voice** sounds like…

"Karou… Are you alright? You aren't** acting **like yourself today…"

He trails off, leaving me **lost** in my **act** again, as I **stare** and **smile (FAKE)**, while on the inside, I'm **screaming**.

'He only **notices** _now_? After all my years of **acting**, he's finally catching on-!'

I pause in my inner ranting for a mere second, thinking it over.

'Ah, never mind. I was out of my **acting** for a while, and he **noticed**. How _sweet_ of him. Being able to tell when I stop **acting**, but not when I am. What is **wrong **with him?'

_That's right, Karou.__** Ignore**__ them! Don't stop the __**show **__for their sakes!_

"Kao-Chan?"

A worried **voice**…? It sounds so… Childish? Is that it? Or is it **innocent**? …Maybe both?

"Yes, Honey?"

The words slip out, and I don't even **think** about them. It's nice not having to **think**, don't you agree, **Mister Director**?

"You never answered Hika-Chan's question!"

"…He asked something…?"

_Keep **pretending**! **Act** as if there's nothing **wrong**! Keep up the **show**! **Play** your part! Keep reading the script!_

I now** notice** that everyone is **staring **at me **shocked**, clearly **thinking** that I **remembered**.

Now they look **concerned**. That's rare. For it to be directed at me, anyway.

Or, should I say, not me? But… Still me. Not me at all, but still me, in some strange sense.

Does that make sense?

No?

Oh well, that's fine.

I never expected you to understand anyway.

It's much too complicated for your tiny and uncomprehending** minds**.

"Yes, Karou. He _did_ ask something. Are you not **feeling** well…?"

Tamaki asked this, looking **worried**… Just like everyone else.

**Wrongly worried**.

_That's right! Nothing's__** wrong**__ with you! Keep it up! You're doing great!_

I tilt my head, **faking** **innocence** and **confusion**.

"No! Of course not! I'm fine! I was just **thinking**."

They **stare** at me, obviously doubting what I was saying.

_No! Your __**act**__ is __**failing**__! I knew it! That's all you ever were, are, and will be, a __**failure**__! Go in a corner and __**cry**__! Or, why don't you just__** kill**__ yourself? You'd be doing the world a favor!_

I **smiled** at all of them, not letting them know the true effects of **Mister Director's** **words**.

For, if I _did_ **show **them what his **words** did to me, they'd be **confused** and **worried**, since I'm the only one who knows who** Mister Director** is, and I'm the only one who could hear him.

Twirling and spinning, you never stop do you?

Because, if you did, then you would die, and cease to exist… Wouldn't you?

And, in a way, that's just like me.

Always moving, always having to do the same thing every day, or else I would **break** down.

Only differences, though, are that you have to spin to keep going, while I have to **lie**, and when you stop, you disappear, stop being in the world, while I would **break **down and most likely **kill** myself for my inability at being able to do something as simple as **act**.

Isn't that **pitiful**?

Isn't that just like what **Mister Director** said?

Isn't that proof at how **useless** I am?

_That's right, you little __**pest**__! You ARE __**useless**__! You're __**pitiful**__, too! And, I congratulate you for being able to see that you _should _**kill**__ yourself! You're finally getting smart!_

"Hey… Are you all right, Karou?"

I hear the **voice**, but **ignore** it.

In-fact, I can't even tell who said it.

It could've been anyone.

It might've even been a part of my **imagination**.

I wouldn't be surprised, I'm always hearing **voices**, so it's sometimes hard to know who said what.

"Karou…?"

I **feel** something wet going down my face, and, obviously, they noticed it too.

What is it, I wonder…

_They're __**tears**__ you __**idiot**__! I knew you couldn't__** act**__! I knew it! Can't even keep your__** feelings**__ in check, you little __**brat**__?_

My hand pulls away from my face, and I stare at it.

**Mister Director** was right, I am **crying**…

But… Why?

I **feel **arms wrap around me, and, to my **shock**, I **feel** warmth next.

Why would there be warmth after someone wraps their-

…Oh…

Never mind.

I understand now.

I'm being **hugged**.

But… By who?

And, why?

Are they** feeling** sorry me, since I'm **crying**?

The warmth is comforting, so, the **play** gets another **intermission**, as I lean into the **touch**.

The nice, warm, soft **touch**.

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><p>And that was chapter one! Did you like it? Hate it? Absolutely despise it and now you're running after me with pitchforks? EEK! Okay, so, I really want to hear your opinions, whether they be good or bad, so review or PM me and tell me what you think of this story! See you all (If anyone's even reading this!) next chapter!<p> 


	2. Oceans Are Most Fun To Drown In

Blank: 'Ello! I'm back with a new chapter! I would like to thank GohanWillBeLoved and Lacey-Chan666 for reviewing! You both get yummy lolly pops for it! –grins-

"Hello" -Talking

'Hello' -Karou's thoughts

_Hello_ -Mister Director

**Hello** -Anything bolded has a very important role in the story, so pay attention to them! You'll find out why they are so important in later chapters, though.

Disclaimer: I don't own Ouran High School Host Club. I do, however, own Mister Director and the plot bunnies for this story.

* * *

><p>You… You <em><strong>IDIOT<strong>__! That's it! You're going to pay for stopping the__** play**__, for messing up the__** act**__, and, for letting them __**touch**__ you!_

**Pain** went through my **head**, and I let out a short **cry**, **clinging** to whomevers-**hugging**-me's shirt.

I **felt** a lot of orbs watching me.

Orbs that are **beautiful** and **colorful**.

Orbs that are **shining** with** worry**.

Orbs that are in my **friends heads**.

Orbs that are **eyes**.

_I can't __**believe**__ you, you __**brat**__! Letting them __**hug**__ you, of all things!_

I **felt** more wetness pour out of my **eyes** as I realized something; **Mister Director hates** me now.

I'm going to have to **fix** that, aren't I?

Puffiness in the **sky**, why do you puff?

How can you **stay** so white and **pure** when there's so much **hate** in the **world**?

Tell me your **secret**, puffiness in the **sky**.

Tell me how you do it, how you survive.

Brown tree, how can you **stay** **standing**?

After everything that **people** put you through, **cutting** down your **friends** and **family**, how?

Is there some unknown **secret** to this, too?

Is there some **secret** to everything?

I don't **understand**!

It's so **confusing**!

And you all are so **misunderstood**!

You really are!

How can you just sit there, doing **nothing**, as your leaves, oh so green, **sway** and **dance** with the **wind**?

**(Don't you get jealous?)**

How can you **stand** it when two seasons later, they **leave** you, all **cold **and **alone**?

**(Don't you get upset?)**

What keeps you **sane**?

Is it **knowing** that they'll come back?

Is it **knowing **that there was **nothing **you could do to stop it?

Or, can you not **stand** it, and are you truly **insane**,** crying **the **tears** that only trees could as you **fall** into a deep slumber?

Do you truly **hate** the winter season for you're always **alone**, save for other trees?

Do you truly **hat**e the autumn season, for your leaves **fall **to the ground, and you have to **watch** as they slowly decay and rot?

Is the only thing keeping you trees **sane**, knowing that you're not the only one going through it?

Well?

Is it?

_Yes! That's right! Push them away! Never __**look**__ back! Keep the __**show**__ going! Be the best __**actor**__ there is! Never let your true __**emotions filter**__ through and onto your __**mask**__! That's right, you're doing it!_

I'm running now.

I don't know where I am.

I **miss** the club room.

It was **warm** back there.

I never did see who was **hugging **me.

I pushed them away, and **ran** out of the room.

Why?

Why did I run when I was **perfectly happy**, and had **people caring** about me, for once?

Why?

Why did I do it?

So many whys…

The **reason **I did it though was so that **Mister Director** could be **happy** with me again.

I don't want him to **stay** mad at me.

Although, he is.

He's keeping my **headache** going, because he's **angry** at me for letting my **mask fall**.

_Run! Keep running! Don't let them get you! They were __**breaking**__ through! That's it; you're __**banned**__ from talking to them!_

A **broken** heart is a worse **pain** than a **broken** bone… Isn't that what they say?

Isn't that what the unicorns and bunnies **believe**?

Are you going to answer?

Ahh, of course not.

Why would I answer myself?

Maybe, because, I'm all that I have left?

That must be it.

_You are becoming smarter, Karou-Hime! Next time that you reach a new level of smartness, I'll take away the__** pain**__. Do you__** believe**__ me? Do you __**trust **__me?_

Cackling madly!

Such a fun sport!

Its great exercise at scaring people and at becoming **insane**~

Although, I **think** I already am a professional at both.

The **rain** comes down, and I **watch**, **laughing**.

It smears on the mirror, for the wet droplets are coming in through the open window.

How exciting!

The water on the mirror goes; Drip, drip, drip!

And then, it hits the floor with a plop, plop, plop!

I **stand** there, **laughing**, and as I fling open my balcony doors a torrent of **rain** comes, saying hello!

Now, I begin to **dance**, if it can even be called that.

Spin. Twirl. Giggle.** Fall**. **Grin**. It's like the **play**, I realize, as I begin **laughing **again.

Within seconds, I'm fully soaked as I lay on the balcony connected to my room, **grinning** up at the **sky** stupidly.

"Hello, **rain**! And how might you be on this fine evening?"

A flash of lightning, followed closely by a roar of thunder was my answer.

"Ahh, that's not too good, then, is it? Just let it all out now! I **promise** that you'll feel much better! Give me all you've got! Hahaha!"

It's **raining **harder, and I now wonder if I could **drown **if I stayed like this long enough… Hmm…

I continue lying there **thinking** about if it was possible or not, when my bedroom door gets slammed open, and the Host Club is **standing **there, soaked.

Is that because they were searching for me…?

Oopsies!

"Karou! What the Hell are you doing?"

Uh oh! Hika-Chan seems angry!

"What am I doing? Laying here, of course! I thought that was obvious...!"

Gasp!

His eye brow twitched!

He's **angry** with me!

Nooooo!

Am I at the next step on the road to **insanity**?

I **believe** I am!

And it's fun!

This time, it's Tamaki that speaks up.

"Karou! Where were you? We were so incredibly** worried**!"

"Where was I?" I repeat him, curious.

I don't **believe** that I can answer that…

For, I don't even know where I was!

Is that strange?

"Hum… Well, I don't know! For all I'm sure of right now, I could've been in Germany, or some other bizarre place!"

Now, they're dumbfounded, I see.

I would be too, if I were them!

I now return to the storm clouds, **laughing **as more **rain** comes and pounds down on my face.

I hear the door shut, and I** look **over to see them **standing **in the room, looking around, shocked.

My **eyes** close, as I **smile**, letting the **rain** continue to hit my face.

With my **eyes **closed, it feels like I'm under water!

Where is a place that has a lot of water…?

Aha! The** ocean**!

So, now, I imagine that I'm in the **ocean**!

Who knew the **ocean** could be this fun?

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><p>Blank: That was the chapter! Yay! Sorry for such a long update, but I was busy… with... stuff. Anywho, did you like it? Hate it? Absolutely despise it and now you're running after me with pitchforks? EEK! So, if anyone read this, I would love to hear your opinions so PM me or review and tell me about what you thought of the story! I guess that I'll see you all next chapter!<p> 


	3. Imagination Is Something We All Have

Blank: Hey, people! What's up? How have you been? Sorry about the late update, but a lot of stuff happened, like: One: My Great Aunt got a new batch of puppies and I just HAD to see them. Two: The realization that my friend was really dead and not coming back hit me like a ton of bricks. Three: I am a very lazy person…

"Hello" -Talking

'Hello' -Karou's thoughts

_Hello_ -Mister Director

**Hello** -Anything bolded has a very important role in the story, so pay attention to them! You'll find out why they are so important in later chapters, though.

Disclaimer: I don't own Ouran High School Host Club. I do, however, own Mister Director and the plot bunnies for this story.

* * *

><p><em>That's right! I'm so <em>_**proud**__ of you! You're doing it! Soon, I'll be able to heal all your __**pain**__! I'll be able to take you away from this cruel __**world**__! All that you need to do is __**trust**__ me, okay?_

I began giggling, as I sat up, **grinning**.

I fully **ignore** the **questioning** **stares** from the **people** in my room, as I **stand **up, swaying slightly, and then, I **laugh**.

I bend over, clutching my sides, **laughing**.

Is it counted as **insane** when I **laugh** this hard over** nothing**?

Are you going to answer me, Sir Squirrel?

Oh, you poor thing! You're so wet!

Why are you out in the **cold** **rain**?

Is it just because you like to get soaked in water?

Or, is it because you simply have nowhere to go?

Sir Squirrel, why do you look so cute?

With those wide, pleading **eyes**, just begging to get cuddled.

Is it your fault, Sir Squirrel, that you have no one to **love**?

No one to care for you?

_Oh, great. You're going to keep it, aren't you? I bet you are. Just make sure it doesn't die. Finding dead squirrels around the house isn't exactly what I call 'fun'._

I **smile **at the squirrel, and decide to call it over.

"Sir Squirrrrrrrrellll! Come here!"

The squirrel looked up, **stared** at me for a moment, and then scurried off.

I'm now **sad**.

"Hey, Karou?"

A voice next to my ear appears, and, right after it, a hand appears on my shoulder.

"Are you alright?"

Same **voice**, only laced with more of something this time.

I don't know what it's laced with, though, and I don't really care.

I'm guessing that it's worry, though.

Let us go back into the **act**, and **show **them all that I'm fine!

"Ahh, of course I am, Tono! Why wouldn't I be…?"

Underlined with malice.

That's what my **voice** is.

Threatening my '**friends**' isn't my favorite thing to do, but it's still fun!

"Are you implying that there is something **wrong** with me…?"

Yet again, underlined with malice.

They are all afraid.

I can see it in their **eyes**.

They also look mad, shocked, indifferent, and… is that…

Yes, it is.

They're disgusted with me.

I knew they would be.

But, I just don't care anymore.

I don't.

I've had enough.

I've gone mad.

No, not **angry**!

Just… Crazy.

Is that good or bad?

Most likely bad.

But, why have I gone crazy?

Because, all year, I've been doing **nothing** but **acting**, and they haven't even **noticed**!

Not once!

So, now, we're at the more realistic part of the **play**.

The part where there's arguments, fights, and **hatred**.

And, this time, I'm not going to hold back.

_That's right, Hime-Chan! What a great part of the__** act**__! Maybe, you should slice them up a bit with a knife! There's one in your pocket! Go for it! Do it! And, I __**promise**__, after this, I'll get you away from this horrible place, and then, we can be together! Forever!_

I pull out my switchblade, and they back up a bit, now fully aware of my deteriorating mental state.

At their shocked and horrified expressions, I couldn't help it; I **laughed**!

They all looked so scared and helpless!

The sight made me **grin** from pleasure.

It was just so… Nice!

Nice… Is that the right **word**?

I **think** it is.

But, it just doesn't feel right…

I let out a short **laugh**, as I spoke.

"Well, if I were you, I'd leave! And, if you don't, I might just have to ruin your pretty unmarked skin! I'd love to use the red liquid that pours out of you as paint! It'd be so pretty!"

Yup. I was definitely **insane**.

A few seconds later, they were all out of the room.

I **grin**.

This was fun!

_Hime-Chan… Do you want to leave this __**world**__, this life, and be with me? You do? Alright, but, you have to listen to what I say, and you have to trust me. Deal?_

I nod, and think back an answer to **Mister Director**.

'Of course! I fully trust you, and it's a deal!'

_Alright, then. That's good. Now, take your knife and position it over your left wrist._

'Uh… Okay…'

I position it, with the blade just barely touching my skin.

_Now, you like the color red, right? Well, when you do this, you'll be seeing a lot of it! Isn't that nice?_

'Yeah… It is.'

_Okay, take the blade, and shove it into your wrist!_

'What? That sounds painful! I don't want to!'

_Hime-Chan. You said that you__** trust**__ me. Don't you want us to be together? If you were telling the truth, then you would do this._

'…Okay. I guess I'll do it, even if it **hurts**…'

_Good._

I hesitantly plunge the knife into my wrist.

And, if I have to use one word to describe it, it would be; Painful.

Just like I expected it to be.

I can honestly say that I've never felt anything quite this horrible, and unbearable.

With the **pain**, came the unstoppable **tears**.

A small sob escapes my lips, as I collapse to my knees, holding my bleeding wrist to my chest.

It **hurts**!

It **hurts** so much!

I must be bi-polar, huh?

I mean, one minute, I was all **laughing **and **happy**, and the next I'm **crying**.

Although, I do have a good reason for the **crying**.

I mean, I did just plunge a knife into my arm.

_Hime? Are you alright?_

'…no... I mean, this REALLY **hurts**!'

_But, you are going to finish the job, right?_

'…finish it? What do you mean by that?'

_I mean, you have to slice through the veins on both arms. You said you would do this. You're not going to back out, are you?_

'No, of course not! But… What's going to happen to me?'

_Nothing, Hime-Chan. Now, why don't you finish the job?_

'…okay…'

Using the knife, I slice through the veins on my left arm, and repeat the process with my right.

Now, I was soaked in blood, and kneeling on the floor, **tears** pouring out of my eyes from the **pain**.

_See, Hime-Chan? It was that easy. Now, all you have to do is take my hand, alright?_

After his** voice** says that in my **head**, I see him appear in front of me, holding out his hand and **smiling**.

His black hair was pooling on his shoulders, and his hazel eyes seemed so kind, warm, and loving.

…I'm confused.

I thought that,** Mister Director **was just a person in my **head**, not a real person that can come out of thin air!

…although, he might be a ghost…

But, the most likely option is that he's an illusion.

A figment of my **imagination**.

**Not real.**

Just like me.

* * *

><p>Blank: So? How was the chapter? Did you like it? Hate it? Absolutely despise it and now you're running after me with pitchforks? Well… crap. That isn't good, now, is it?<p>

I would like to thank GohanWillBeLoved and Lacey-Chan for reviewing! There were quite few people who favorited this story and added it to their alerts list, so thank you! Oh, and, before I go, we made a poll on our profile, so check it out! And vote! And anything else you do on a poll! I'll try and get the next chapter posted sooner, okay? Joyous… Review and let me know what you think!


	4. Figment Of My Mind Told Me To Die

Hello, everyone! No, this story is not on hiatus and no, I am not dead! I greatly apologize for the (extremely) long wait for this chapter, but I have been busy with life, Tumblr, food, school, Tumblr, yelling at myself to update this, more food, Tumblr, listening to music, cleaning my room, Tumblr and watching TV. Well, enough with my excuses! Read on, and enjoy the chapter! -Blank

"Hello" -Talking

'Hello' -Karou's thoughts

_Hello_ -Mister Director

**Hello** -Anything bolded has a very important role in the story, so pay attention to them! You'll find out why they are so important in later chapters, though.

Disclaimer: I don't own Ouran High School Host Club. I do, however, own Mister Director and the plot bunnies for this story.

* * *

><p>"Well? Are you going to take my hand, <strong>brat<strong>, or are you just going to **stand** there?"

I slowly reach out my hand, about to take his, when everything began to spin.

And, after that, everything faded away.

…

**Mister Director**, I'm sorry that I ended the **show**.

I'm sorry that I failed you, and that I could never **act**.

But, what you said to me, all those times, about me being a failure, and about how I should **kill** myself, it's true. And, in the end, I did **kill** myself, just to please you.

And in the end, **Mister Director**, I never got to take your hand, because I passed out from blood loss before I could.

…

I sit in my hospital bed, staring **down** at the sheets sadly.

It's been roughly a month after I sliced open my arms.

It was supposed to **kill** me.

But I'm alive.

No matter how much anybody asks, begs, even demands that I tell them what in the **world** possessed me to attempt suicide, I don't answer.

Why?

Because, ever since I failed to take **Mister Director**'s hand, he never spoke to me again.

And I don't know if that's just because he's mad at me, or because he's gone.

I'm hoping it's neither.

They're both bad options, aren't they Sir Squirrel?

I woke up a few hours ago, and, ever since then, nobody has left me **alone**.

I don't know if it's because they don't **trust** me, or because they're really worried, but I do know that it's really annoying that they won't **leave**.

It began **raining** a few minutes ago, and, I can't help but **think** that I **feel** as if I'm drowning in the **ocean**.

Now, I'm** smiling** as I pet Sir Squirrel (The Host Club caught him for me) and I'm also slurping up some yummy soup!

I'm really tempted to tell Hikaru about **Mister Director**, but, if I do he might put me in a mental hospital.

And, that would suck.

Big time.

But…I still **feel** as if now it's time to tell everyone about him, even if they do put me in a mental hospital.

But, what do I say?

'Hey! There was some crazy director living in my **head**, and he convinced me that you all **hate** me and that I should live my whole life out as an **act** so that you all don't **see** how upset I am and get worried!'

Yeah right!

Like they would **believe** THAT!

Hmm… Maybe I could just make it up as I go?

Now the door opens, and Hikaru storms in, slamming the door shut behind him. He stalks over to me.

I **think** he's mad at me…

"Alright, Karou. Spill it. I know that you have a **reason** for doing something so stupid, so tell me!"

Oh no!

He's using his **angry** **voice**!

Please make the **angry** **voice** go away!

I slowly blink, before letting out a small sob as I **remembered**.

I duck my **head** **down**, as I murmur "I'm sorry, Hika… I-I really didn't mean to…"

I know that there are **tears** pouring **down** my face (Not **real** not **real **not **real**), and that I'm shaking (**Fake fake fake**), but I pay it no mind.

"It's just that… M-**Mister Director** said that… That because you didn't **love** me, that no one loved me, and that I should **kill** myself, so then I could be with him forever, and-and then... I believed him, and then t-tried to-o… And, I passed out from b-blood l-loss, and then, w-woke up h-here…"

I'm a great actor, aren't I?

And I'm not even telling the whole truth!

It's more like half the truth, and half **lies**.

"I-I'm re-eally sorry H-H-Hika…"

I can make this sound _so_ **real**, even when I'm not really upset!

…Okay, yeah I am.

Not about the suicide attempt, though.

I'm upset about Mister Director being gone.

"Okay, Karou, first things first; Who's this '**Mister Director**' person?"

"H-he was s-someone from my m-mind…"

"…Okaaay… So, he told you to **kill** yourself… And, you tried?"

"…Y-yes…"

"Why?"

"…W-well… He was very… Mean about it. And, i-if I didn't do it, th-then he was g-going to h-hurt me…"

'Mean about it'?

No he wasn't!

He was kind and **caring** when he said it!

"Hurt you? How?"

"…h-he can hurt m-me by s-sending electric s-shocks through my b-body…"

**Lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies**!

Oh, how **wonderful**!

The **sky** is **crying** along with me!

Isn't that nice, little fairy of the air?

You always are there for me, too, aren't you?

I **feel** as if we're alike, in some senses.

But, that's only because we're invisible to the **world**, even though we help so many **people**.

You help them breathe, and I help them by simply being there.

Do you **believe** me now?

Do you **believe** that I'm crazy?

Do you **believe** what those little whispers are saying?

The little whispers that you hear when you're **alone** and have **nothing** to live for?

The whispers that convince you to **kill** yourself, even though there's no need?

The whispers that tell you to do things, in such a convincing tone, that no matter what it is, you **feel** implied to do it?

The whispers of insanity?

As I sit here, **crying** (Still **fake** **fake fake** not **real** not **real** not **real**), Hikaru lets out a small** laugh**, and, there is really no need for him to **laugh**.

So, I **look** up at him questioningly, and notice that everything was mixing together.

The colors, the shapes, the sounds… everything.

What's going on?

_This is an illusion. That's what's going on. Isn't it fun when you're going __**insane**__? When you start seeing illusions that you never thought were possible? Of what could happen if you do something __**wrong**__? Well? Isn't it?_

A flash.

Then, blackness.

Or… Was it whiteness…?

I can't tell, but I CAN tell that there's **nothing** around me, just some sort of empty space, that no one else is in.

…It's lonely…

I blink, as I **feel** small pricks all over my skin.

And now I **feel** some sort of **cold**… wetness all over me.

…maybe I'm dying…?

Or already dead?

Colors and shapes, all blurry, overcome my vision.

And I find myself staring up at the rainy **sky**, as I'm lying on my balcony.

'Um… **Mister Director**…? What just happened…?'

_You found yourself in a dream-like-state that I stuck you in._

'What? You put me in that? WHY?'

_As punishment for __**acting**__ out so many times today. Just so you know, your '__**friends**__' haven't even been home yet. They're still out in the __**rain**__ looking__for you._

'…You…You really scare me sometimes…'

_That's good. I would be worrying about your sanity if you weren't scared._

The sun disappears, to be replaced by the moon.

A darkness over comes the **world**.

We all hope we don't die soon.

Isn't that true?

For, whatever we do, we'll all be stuck here until the **world** marks us **insane**!

Silly Sun!

Why can't you be more like your friend, Moody Moon?

Moody Moon is never all bright and **shinning**!

While you, on the other hand, won't give us a **break**!

Why can't you be more like him?

Why?

You'd be much more liked that way!

_This is good, little Hime-Chan. Very good. You're losing sense of who you truly are, and now you're becoming the perfect actor for the__** play**__! With those __**fake**__**emotions**__, __**fake s**__miles, __**fake**__ voice, __**fake**__ everything. Now, you're __**nothing**__ but a __**fake**__! A __**fake**__! Isn't that great? Grand? Fabulous? Perfect? No, not perfect. Perfect is just something that you aren't and can never be. You ruined your chances of being that the moment you became an actor in my __**play**__. Isn't it nice? Nice how I destroyed your life?_

It's **raining**.

It's wet.

It's pretty.

It's everything I can never be.

I **stare** at myself in the mirror.

I'm ugly.

That's what I am.

Ugly.

If I'm not perfect, then I'm not pretty.

If I'm not pretty, then I'm ugly.

Why do I have to be ugly?

Dear God,

Why aren't I pretty?

Is it my fate to be ugly?

Is it my fate to be imperfect?

To have so many mess-ups, that I can't even count them all?

Amen.

Hello there, **people** of the **world**.

I'm trying to become perfect like you, so I'm changing myself.

I now don't eat.

I only drink tea.

One cup, for each meal.

I'm becoming what the doctors would call 'underweight', but I **think** that it's the ideal weight, and that it's perfect.

But that doesn't make me perfect.

It just makes me the not-perfect person who wears the perfect skin.

There's **nothing** good about that, is there?

_**See**__? This is how you become perfect! You must continue on this path, if you EVER want my approval! Do you __**understand**__ me?_

I **feel** ill.

So far, that's all this has done for me.

Made me ill.

But, now, **people** are starting to notice.

Notice how skinny I am, how I don't eat, and how I never seem to **feel** well.

Isn't that what I always wanted?

To be noticed?

For **people** to **see** me, the **real **me?

Not just the **fake** thing that **people** call me.

No, the** real** living breathing thing that I call me.

* * *

><p>I know, I know, that was a really short chapter… and it wasn't that good. It was badly written and made little to no sense. For that, I apologize. But, for now, why don't you review and tell me what you thought of the chapter, ne? -Blank<p> 


	5. FAKE FAKE FAKE FAKE FAKE

Hey everyone, 'sup? Sorry about the long wait. I, honestly, have no excuse for the absence, but I'm back now, yeah? -Blank

"Hello" -Talking

'Hello' -Karou's thoughts

_Hello_ -Mister Director

**Hello** -Anything bolded has a very important role in the story, so pay attention to them! You'll find out why they are so important in later chapters, though

Disclaimer: I do not own Ouran High School Host Club.

* * *

><p>.<p>

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_Chapter Start_

Am I **fake**?

I **think** I am.

That's what **Mister Director** told me.

In his **words**;

_You are __**nothing**__ but a fake doll for my __**play**__! __**Nothing**__ else! Maybe if you became perfect, then you could be something better, but right now, you're __**nothing**__ but a fat, ugly, __**useless**__ child! Do you __**understand**__ that? Does your thought process go fast enough for you to __**understand**__ what I said?_

**Fake**. **Fake**. **Fake**! **Fake**! **FAKE**!

Apparently… I'm **fake**.

I don't like being **fake**.

Being **fake** is not what I want!

Am I going **insane**?

I **think** I am.

I **stare** at my desk, using my pen and drawing something I saw earlier today.

A woman **stands** there, pregnant, all nine months, I **believe**.

Her baby is due any day.

Arms.

Little black arms rip out of her womb, tearing a hole in it.

Blood seeps out.

A figure standing in front of her, Death, I **think**, holds his scythe in the air, as if he's about to cut into the woman.

The arms grab onto Deaths scythe, his arms, and his clothing.

Blood drips off of them.

_Drip drip drip_

More arms rip out of her womb, ripping it open, in a perfect straight line, from the left of her womb to the right.

The arms that aren't grabbing onto Death and his scythe curve either up or **down**, becoming eyelashes for the rip.

The rip now stopped bleeding, and now is **crying** **tears** of blood.

The rip opens.

An eye is there, behind the wound and in the womb.

The black bloody arms begin pulling the eyeball out, by grabbing onto Death.

The woman stops screaming, and is now **crying**, **sad** and in **pain**, as she **smile**s at me.

The eyeball and Death now **stare** at me.

The arms dart out, reaching towards me.

And then **nothing**.

They disappear.

I **ignore** the **stares** of the class and teacher.

They don't care.

I continue my picture.

They try to get my attention.

I still **ignore** them.

One of the other class's students comes into the room, trying to **see** what all the noise is about.

My teacher has her get the nurse.

They continue trying to get my attention.

Other class's students come in, asking why we were making so much noise.

They **see** why.

The go and get their teachers, explaining what was going on.

The nurse is here now.

She tries to get my attention.

No one has seen what I'm drawing.

I'm covering it up.

The Nurses and Doctors try to coax me into **show**ing them what I'm drawing.

I still **ignore** them.

They try to get my attention.

I never respond.

My **brother** tries to get me to answer.

I block him out.

He lifts my chin so he can **see** my face.

I **stare** at him with a blank expression.

He tries talking to me.

I don't **understand** what he says.

All I hear are **words** without meaning.

He tries again.

I don't answer.

He and everyone else pale.

He asks me something, slowly.

I just **stare** at him, not **understanding** what he's saying.

Everyone is scared.

Worried.

**Mister Director** **laughs**.

He says that he's glad.

I'm becoming his **fake** doll now.

I go back to drawing.

The teachers arrive, now.

They **look** worried.

I **smile**.

That catches everyone's attention.

They **stare** at me again.

I wish they would stop.

I don't like the **stares**.

I move my notebook so my drawing is now viewable.

**People** scream.

Others pale.

A few of them vomit.

The boy, my **brother** I **think**, and his girl-friend (Her name begins with an 'H'…?) are worried.

**Mister Director** cackles.

He enjoys **watch**ing them.

My **smile** fades.

I **remember** **Mister Director**'s **words**.

I frown.

My hand becomes marked by the **words** '**Mister** **Director** Expects Better From You'.

I hope the marker won't wear off…

**People** **stare** at my hand.

They ask me what it means.

I **ignore** them.

The teachers ask who '**Mister Director**' is.

I **smile** bitterly.

They don't **understand**.

They never will.

**Tears** begin falling **down** my face.

I **act** as if they weren't.

I begin to draw a picture of **Mister Director**.

He approves.

He says that he wants **people** to know who he is.

I finish the picture.

I **show** it to the teachers, who ask if this is '**Mister Director**'.

I nod.

Who else can it be?

The door opens, and the principal comes in with two adults, that I **think** are my parents.

They **look** worried.

Scared.

Why does everyone **look** like that?

They take me and the boy (My **brother**) home.

They try talking to me.

I **ignore** them.

I don't **understand** meaningless **words**.

_Do you get it now? The __**play**__, the __**play**__! It's becoming your life! You still aren't perfect. You most likely never will be. Please __**understand**__ this; For you to be able to please me, your very best and only friend, you must become perfect in every way. And, in order to do that, you must give up yourself, your __**friends**__, and everything you've ever aspired to be!_

_Chapter End_

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	6. Remember Their Names

"Hello" -Talking

'Hello' -Karou's thoughts

_Hello_ -Mister Director

**Hello** -Anything bolded has a very important role in the story, so pay attention to them! You'll find out why they are so important in later chapters, though

Disclaimer: I do not own Ouran High School Host Club.

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_Chapter Start_

Die, little insects in my mind.

Why won't you stop your evil buzzing?

It is nerve wracking, do you know that?

I **think** that **Mister Director** is the cause of it, but I'm not sure.

I hear my door open, and I **look** up to **see** who opened it.

It's the **people** I live with.

I can't **remember** their names, or who they are, but they seem odd.

They **look** at me, with **worry**, fear and pity.

**They always do.**

**Everyone always does.**

"Karou… Are you feeling alright today?"

Karou?

Who's this 'Karou'?

I didn't **think** that there was anyone else in here…

Are they referring to me?

I **think** they are.

But…

They got my name **wrong**.

**That's not my name.**

Why would they **think** that it is?

"Karou? Answer your father, sweetie."

No.

No, that's not my name.

Why do they **think** it is?

**Mister Director** says that my name is 'Hime-Chan'.

Don't they know that?

_Shouldn't _they know that?

If they do, then why do they keep calling me 'Karou'?

And why do they keep saying that the tall man is my father?

The young boy is my **brother**?

And that the woman is my mother?

Why?

I don't even know what those **words** mean.

Am I supposed to?

I **think** I might.

But… **Mister Director** deems those **words** unimportant, and not needed to be known.

I wonder why…?

Maybe because they aren't used in the **play**'s script…

But, these **people** use them like they're important **words**…

It must be my **imagination**.

**Mister Director** tells me all the important **words** in the **world**.

Like Cup Cakes.

He said that that's the most important word of all.

I don't know why though…

But, the things that own the word are very yummy!

I went up to one of the woman in dresses yesterday, and asked them for a cup cake, just like **Mister Director** told me to.

She looked surprised, but gave me one none the less.

I wonder what she was surprised about…?

_Hime-Chan~ You're doing great! Fabulous, even! I must say that you are coming along well! I can't wait to __**see**__ you __**perfect**__! And, when you're __**perfect**__, you'll be the best actor in the __**world**__! The best, I tell you! And, so many __**people**__ will __**look**__ up to you, and __**love**__ you! Won't that be grand? And, best of all, I'll __**love**__ you, too! Isn't that what you always wanted? For me to __**love**__ you?_

I **remember**, being around five years old, I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia, as I was hearing a **voice** in my **head**.

The **voice** said that his name was *******, but he insisted that I called him **Mister Director**.  
>That is the only thing I call him now.<p>

Whenever I even attempt to **remember** his name, it's like there's this censor on it, just so I can't hear it. When I ask **Mister Director** what his name is, he just **laughs **and says that it's *******.

I can always hear his **voice** saying something, but it just… My mind just doesn't want to comprehend it.

It's just a blurry, mumbling **voice** saying random syllables that I can't for the life of me **remember** or make out.

_Are you ready for the count __**down**__, Hime-Chan? What count __**down**__, you dare to ask? You'll __**see**__ in a moment. For now, let us __**watch**__ it begin._

When I was younger, I **remember** being asked that if I only had twenty seconds to live, what I would do in that short amount of time.

My answer?

That I'd **grin**, **laugh**, and accept death with wide open arms, as if we were old **friends**.

They then asked if I would even care that I'm dying.

I responded with "Of course I would! That's why I'd be **happy**! So I could stop being a burden to everyone, and just finally be gone! And, if I were to be gone, Hikaru would finally be able to live his own, better, life!"

We never talked again, after that.

I still don't know why.

_Remembering your life, Hime-Chan? I wonder how you can still __**remember**__ anything, I mean, I DID wipe your memory… Just enjoy being able to __**think**__ while you still can._

Now, I'm at the beach.

Why?

Because I had this sudden urge to go and **look** at it.

It's so pretty…

The water looks as if it's sparkling, in the sun light…

Sigh.

This **reminds** me of a song I heard once, it was by Blue October.

The song was called 'Into The **Ocean**'.

Such a great song, I **think** it is.

I know the lyrics by heart.

But, it's somewhat sad…

Just like everything else by Blue October.

They're still a great band, though.

I continue to **stare** at the water.

It's so nice… So peaceful… It makes me wonder how it can be so deadly.

_Ding! You're starting to __**understand**__ why you came here. __**Remember**__ what that person asked you? Your answer? How you'd embrace like an old __**friend**__? Now, let's __**see**__ if you were honest about that, shall we? Come on, let's __**pretend**__ that the waters harmless. You wanted me to __**play**__**pretend**__ with you, once upon a time. How about we start now, ne? __**Pretend **__that the water's harmless, and dive in. __**Pretend**__ that it's oxygen, and breathe it in. Don't you want to become __**perfect**__? Do this, and you will be the most __**perfect**__ thing on this earth._

_Chapter End_

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	7. Broken?

**A/N:** I sincerely apologize about the long breaks between updates, but I have trouble finding the time to write and post the chapters; however, I'll try to work faster with this. Thank you all for your continued support, and I hope you enjoy the chapter!

- Blank

"Hello" -Talking

'Hello' -Karou's thoughts

_Hello_ -Mister Director

**Hello** -Anything bolded has a very important role in the story, so pay attention to them! You'll find out why they are so important in later chapters, though

Disclaimer: I do not own Ouran High School Host Club.

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.

.

_Chapter Start_

Have you ever had that feeling, that moment, in which you know that something terribly **wrong** and BAD and _not good_ is about to happen, but _**you just don't know what**_, so you just _**ignore it**_ and _**hope that it'll go away**_?

And, whether you know it or not, ignoring it is the worst mistake in the **world**.

Well, that happened to me.

Just now, I **believe**.

I almost, _almost_, **ignore** it.

I'm so tempted!

But, I know that bad things will happen if I do.

So, I simply don't.

I listen to it, so much like I do with **Mister** **Director**, and **stay** away from anything that it increases around.

But, with the **ocean**, it increases a lot.

I don't **stay** away from that.

But… I **think** that, I just want to swim until I **drown**…

Yes.

Yes, that's a good idea.

I don't even know who I am anymore, who to **trust**, to **believe**, so, why don't I just **drown** and get it over with?

That'd be best for everyone, right?

That'd be a great ending for the **play**, too!

I should do it!

No, wait, not should.

That's not the right word.

_Will_!

I _will_ do it!

That IS the right word!

Ooh, this is going to be so much fun!

_Do you __**love**__ the __**world**__ as much as you __**love**__ me? I hope not. If you did, then it would hurt you a lot to __**leave**__ it, wouldn't it? Be __**happy**__ that you __**hate**__ the __**world**__ and the __**people**__ on it. Then you won't have a problem leaving it all behind._

Hello, **ocean**.

It's nice to be drowning in you.

But, I must say, you are much too salty for my tastes!

Why do you have to taste so disgusting?

…Is it **normal** for a fish to randomly swim up to you, **stare** at you for a few seconds, and then start trying to eat you?

No?

Yeah, that's what I was **thinking**…

Air bubbles float through the water, trying to reach the top so they can resurface and join the rest of its kind.

I wish I could do that, but no, I can't.

The rest of _my_ kind would put me in a padded room with a strait jacket as my only companion.

And, it may just be me, but that doesn't sound like fun.

_You're __**pathetic**__, __**sad **__and __**empty**__! Do you know that? Do you also know that that's how you're __**perfect**__, that that's how every __**perfect**__ person is? They all have no sense of __**personality**__, and they're all __**lifeless dolls**__, forever lost to the fate of being commanded by their Master's, their owners. And, whether you know it or not, __I'm__ your master, no matter WHAT you want to __**believe**__. And, just know that __**I'll always love you**__, okay?_

Water fills my lungs, and, it **hurts**.

It's so painful...

Why am I doing this, again?

Someone, anyone, PLEASE TELL ME!

I **think** that, I've lost my mind.

No, for me to have lost something it would need to be there, and it never was, so no. I did not just lose my mind, for it was never there.

Will you help me find it?

It'll be much easier to if there's two **people** looking for it.

It's hard to **stay** under the water.

I just want to float up to the top and breathe in fresh air…

'**Mister** **Director**, may I please live a bit longer? I want to go out with a bang, not a blub…'

_Of course. As long as you die this week, then I will be __**happy**__. Why? Because of the __**play**__! It would be a grand ending, the main character committing suicide? No one would __**see**__ it coming!_

I'm sitting in my limo, now.

I really regret inhaling in so much water, now I can't stop coughing.

And I'm wet.

The salt water is burning my throat…

The Driver seems to be very worried about me.

"Young Master, are you alright?"

I stop coughing for a moment, give him a small nod, and then continue trying to rid my body of the gross liquid.

_**Smile for the gun**__. If you don't, then they'll __**miss**__ the snapshot._

There was a wet gurgling sound that barely registered in my mind.

Did it come from me?

_**Everybody hates you**__. It's not right for them to __**love**__ you as you're a 'bad person', in their terms. All of the __**perfect**__**people**__ are._

My **head** begins to ache, and I feel bile mixed with water and blood shoot up my throat.

Not a second later, it's all over the limo's floor, and its horrible scent makes me puke again.

_**We all fall down**__. Doesn't everyone, at one point or another? And, once they do, everything will be over, and there will be __**nothing**__ but children's nightmares for our __**perfect**__ selves to __**see**__. And, in some sick and twisted way, that makes the person even more __**perfect**__ than they were before._

"Young Master…! Are you alright? What happened?"

I open my mouth to answer, but more of the disgusting mixture comes out instead of **words**, and after that, black spots take over my vision, and I **fall** into a state of unconsciousness.

…

"_Is he alright?"_

"_No, he's not. It seems as if he nearly drowned, with all of the water in his lungs…"_

"_You'll __**fix**__ him, won't you?"_

"_No, I'm afraid that I can't. He's… unfixable. He's like a shattered vase. Some pieces are so small that you can't __**see**__ them, others are huge but __**break**__ when they're touched and the rest are multiple sizes, scattered across the room. You can't put them back together, and even if you do, some pieces won't go together right and others won't even be there. I'm sorry, but no, I can't __**fix**__ him."_

"…_is-is there anyone that can?"_

"_Well, yes, there is. There are places just for __**people**__ like him. They're called 'Mental Hospitals'. I highly recommend that you admit him in one."_

"_W-what? No! I'm __not__ putting my son into that kind of place! He needs a healthy environment, with __**friends**__, __**family**__ and familiar surroundings!"_

"_No, he needs help. As you can __**see**__, his… _condition_, is already worsening-"_

"_No, I _cannot _**see**__ that, and are you implying that my son-_**my youngest son**_-is bad in the __**head**__?"_

"_Yes, actually I am implying that. Put him in one, for the safety of everyone."_

"_Don't you DARE tell me what to do! If I put him in one, it won't do any good for HIM, will it? He'd be in an unfamiliar place where he'd have to wear a God damned _straight jacket_! No, I'm NOT putting him in there! Stop insisting!"_

"_I __**think**__ that you should put him in there, Miss Hitachiin-"_

"_And I __**think**__ that I shouldn't!"_

"_Your opinion doesn't matter in this situation, so do stop __**acting**__ as if it does."_

"_Why you-!"_

…

**Lost, scared and confused. **

I'm trapped in a dark abyss, unable to **see** and unable to move.

**Crying, sobbing and weeping.**

I'm scared to open my **eyes**, scared to **see** what might be creeping.

**Screaming, yelling and shouting.**

There's **nothing** **wrong** with me, so stop with the fucking **acting**!

**Commanding, ordering and demanding.**

No, I _will not_ bow to your rules and **lies**, don't you **understand** that I'd rather be slowly dying?

**Bullets, triggers and guns.**

Come any closer and **see** what happens! I'll give you a hint; you'd better run.

**Lies, acting and pretending.**

For some **people**, there is no fairy tale ending.

_Chapter end_

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